Will you be my Witness?

It has been a long time... and so much has changed. Today I spoke to Caroline Myss - if you don't know who she is... well she is a New Age type of teacher.... I first saw her at "Celebrate Your Life" in 2007. Caroline has always scared me. To me she is the "Dr. Laura of the new age" she is pretty straight forward and can be pretty harsh. Today I felt the need to call in to her radio show... and I got through. What she did for me was amazing. She instantly just tuned into me and said that what I need is someone to witness me. Someone to witness my struggles with Dad. Someone to say "I know I can’t change it but I can listen and yes it is hard and yes it can be awful". She is right... the physical part isn’t what is hard... it is what happens in my head. It is the obsessing over the beginning of a bed sore... arguing with Dad because he won’t do what he needs to do in order to help himself.... worrying about taking care of him and still finding a way to be there for my family. Guess what people... this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! This freaking sucks!!!!! The truth is there are times I want to commit suicide... that’s right I said it... there are times when my head is just so dark that I can't even see the light in my children’s eyes. There I said it... it is out now.... and this is only the beginning. I am not going to sugar coat this journey anymore! This is hard... not everyday is terrible but this is hard and all I need to do is get it out. Will you be my witness?

It has been a long time...

Wow, it has been a long time since my last post. Just a few weeks after my last post my cousin and best friend (Leanna) died suddenly. This turned my life upside down. I think I am finally starting to get my head out of the clouds...

Dad is doing well.. as well as well can be I suppose... no better no worse.

Well I think that is all I can manage for tonight but I will get back in the swing of things soon.

Toothaches Are Bad For My Back!!!

Ok so... it has been a crazy month and I haven't written at all... we are recovering from a toothache... well, Dad had a toothache last month and that was quite a week! He was complaining that it hurt - then it swelled up and he was in excruciating pain. Since the dentist knew he couldn't treat it until the infection was gone he prescribed antibiotics and pain pills. Oh dear Lord... Dad on pain pills???? Those innocent looking little white pills took away every bit of strength he had.. and for 3 solid days taking care of Dad was like taking care of a 200 pound bean bag! Oh lawdy!!! My back... not to mention my scars from his emotional outbursts... man he is grouchy when he doesn't feel good.. typical man! I am glad it cleared up otherwise I may have had to start slipping him sugar pills!

So we were able to go to the dentist and of course the only thing left to be done was to pull them.. yep 2 of them! But Dad didn't feel like it that day. What?? Are you insane man????? Do you have any idea how painful this toothache has been????? Not to mention the "trip" to the dentist... ????

So... we left the dentist... another prescription in hand.. just in case...

Oh Dear Baby Jesus! I am hiding the candy bars! :)

The Good News Is I Will Never Be Late for Work Again!

Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. and I hit snooze until 5:45... which is not enough time for me to take care of Dad and get ready for work.... so I am always late. But the good news is I will never be late for work again! The bad news is that Dad can no longer get up by himself in the morning.

This was our old daily routine... Dad wakes up and inflates his handy dandy bed pump which puts him into an almost upright position... he lets his legs fall to the floor and then with the help of his rail and wheelchair he is able to get himself into a sitting position. Then I come in and use the lift to "bathe" and change him and get him back into bed for the day. In the evening I do the same bathing and changing routine.. and then at bedtime I manually lay him down on his side so he can go to sleep.

Bedtime has become progressively more difficult.. now I have to climb on to the bed to use my Wonder Woman strength to get him where he needs to be... and the last few mornings he was not able to sit up by himself so he called me to come in to help. I think it has been getting harder for a long time but he struggled through it - but today was the final day of the struggle. Dad called me at 5:15 because he needed help getting up. I was in a real bad spot and Husband had to come in to help me because Dad had slipped dangerously close to the edge of the bed. Without extra help Dad would have definitely hit the floor... although, then I can get him up easier with the second lift... but we really don't want to go there... I haven't mopped in a few weeks. :)

So.... he will now call me at 5:15 when he wakes up and I will go in there to put him into a sitting position and we will start our daily routine. See - we must see the positive side of this... no more rushing around like a maniac! This is also good news for my daughter... this means she will get yelled at less because I will not be a frazzled mess freaking out on her! See...yay, it works for everyone!

I think I felt this coming.... that would explain why I started crying the other day when Dad asked for a warm wash cloth to wash his face. I didn't get upset the other night when he was yelling and cussing up a storm.... but the wash cloth .. now that was a doozy! It is the weirdest thing that pushes you over the edge I guess. God bless Husband who has been putting up with my moods as they have become progressively worse. No, I am not better off dealing with this alone and no I do not want a divorce despite what I may say in the midst of a meltdown. And God bless Silvia... she comes in to help on the weekend mornings so I can sleep in. Obviously this will change... I will have to come up with a new plan.. she is such a tiny woman... I need to find a way to make this easier for both of us.. maybe a new bed with more support... a deluxe hospital bed not the cheap one the insurance company sent....... hmmm..... always thinking...

So reminder to all... the good news is.... I will never be late for work again! :)

Yoga for the caregiver

Last night was wonderful... I actually did something for myself. I made it a point to leave work by 4 - this put me home at 4:45. I did the "routine" with Dad and then headed to the YMCA for a Yoga class. We have been members for several months now but I have yet to take a class. Husband came with me and he went to the gym while I went to Yoga. It was amazing. It was one hour all about me and my body and mind. After class we grabbed a smoothie and headed home. I took a shower and put my pj's on and still had plenty of time before I had to put Dad to bed. Why haven't I done this sooner?? It was also some nice time with Husband away from the house. Not quite a date night but still real nice. The best part was when I went in to put Dad to bed and he asked "How was Yoga?" Too Cute!!!!

Today my body is a little sore.. uh yeah - who says Yoga is not a workout??? I can't wait to go back tonight!!!!! I love this feeling!

It was 90 minutes away from the house that changed my whole outlook for the night and even for today.

They say that caregivers must make it a point to take care of themselves, this is so true and as time and Dad's MS moves on I feel that more and more.

Namaste

Multiple Sclerosis causes curfews....

A side effect of Multiple Sclerosis is curfews... I am 39 years old and I have a curfew... that curfew is 8:30. I guess it is a good thing I live in a 24 hour town right? Yeah right!

Tonight we have no kids... I couldn't tell you the last time this has happened... whew hew... time to enjoy an evening out.. or not. Dad goes to bed at 8:30 and that means I am here with him helping him "go to bed". It's not physically hard... and I wouldn't change it but the truth is that sometimes it is emotionally hard and sometimes it brings me to tears. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who is here by my side... we fit in a dinner out then come home so I can put Dad to bed. My oldest daughter has learned the routine but if she has plans I won't ask, she is a teenager for goodness sake and she deserves to enjoy her teen years!!! But... tonight she is at work.... did I mention my wonderful husband who just goes along with the routine? I love you husband!

Well... time for a glass of wine and a movie... thank you technology and pay-per-view!!!!

When it just doesn't feel right...

Don't you hate it it when something just doesn't feel right? Especially when everything else is indeed right.. and you have no issues.. but you just change one minor element and suddenly things aren't so right anymore... and you hate to think that way about a situation or a person but you know deep down that it has the potential to go very wrong.... and you don't want to give up on all the other parts - the good parts.. but you know you have to watch one certain part so closely..... because it just doesn't feel right.....

I can't believe it's not butter...

Hey everyone, Pampered Chef is in..... sorry I forgot to deliver to you today.... I am so excited for my new gadgets to collect cobwebs! At least my cabinets will look as if I cook! But maybe I will use the chopper... that might be reasonable.

So I just finished reading Ghosts Among Us by James Van Praagh.. that is the first book that I have ever actually read cover to cover.. aside from the romance and vampire books I read. Usually I skip around and pick and choose what to read.. not this time.. this time I couldn't put it down! It was awesome! I know Momo is around every day! Read this book!

TGIF right???? Ok - well signing off for now.......

After all that are you serious?

After all that drama with Lisa (that I caused) guess who forgot to do her part of the birthday job.. yup oh yeah it was her.. not me! I had my cards in the mail at said destination 2 days early! Mmm hmmm.. what now?

Soooo.. husband suggested that he I and dress up as the Rock'em Sock'em robots for Halloween.... I think I need to get over my aggression soon....

Does it really matter??

This is already changing my life!!!!!!!


F**k it: The Ultimate Spiritual Way by John Parkin

We have something in common....

An excerpt from an email I received from a friend...

Morgan wanted me to tell you that he felt like his situation is nothing compared to your situation with your dad and he wasn't trying to compare his situation to your's because he knows he has it so much easier with his grandma. He told me to tell you this next time I talked to you. You ARE Mother Teresa, you know that, right?

My response...

Please tell Morgan that I have actually been thinking about him a lot... I never once thought anything of what we do in comparison to each other. Please relay this message... The truth is that it doesn't matter if I wipe Dad's butt and he doesn't do that for his Grandma... that is not what makes us members of the "club"... it isn't who does the most and I have never thought that at all. I appreciate the connection I have found with Morgan... it is the little things that seem so trivial that weigh so heavy.. and those are the things that Morgan and I have in common. For example when he told the story about being late to his Grandmas because of work and she wanted to know why he was late? "What was more important?" Those are the little things that do weigh so heavy and no one else truly "gets". I have been waiting to tell him this story because I knew he would get it... while we were in CA Helen stayed with my Dad to do the little things for him...like bring him his lunch... so one day she brought him a plate with a sandwich and later he was raving about what a great sandwich it was... well the truth is that it was a sandwich that I had made him before we left and it was just like all of the other sandwiches I make him.... but for some reason it tasted better because he thought Helen did it. Go figure!!! She did laugh and tell him that I made it... so those are the things that we do have in common.... and I appreciate Morgan and who he is and what he does. I am not Mother Theresa.. in fact lately I am a freaking crazy woman! We just do what we do.... and I have a feeling Morgan will say the same.. the hardest part of it all is not what we do... it is thinking about what would happen if we weren't doing it.

Accidental Misfire

Well... I just lashed out at my best fried of 16 years.. I have never done that before.. not quite like that...F bombs and all. Why you ask? Because she reminded me that a friend's birthday is coming up.... because she knows I have a lot on my plate... and she was trying to help.... so I scratched her eyes out. Makes perfect sense right? Somebody better reel me in!

I am very sorry Lisa!

No Disrespect Intended

Allow me to update quickly. I mean no disrespect to my father. Sometimes it can be a little difficult. So talking about it helps. For example, tonight... when I put him to bed. What do you mean your legs are not in the right spot. Now that I have moved them where you told me to they appear to be in the exact same position. I do not understand and if we are not careful I am going to dump you onto the floor... is that better? OK. Good. Sweet dreams and I will see you in the morning.

Purpose

So what is the purpose of this blog you ask? Well... it's to share my thoughts and feelings about being a caregiver, a wife, a mother and the controller of a multi-million dollar corporation which is trying to be the last one standing in this crazy world we are living in right now.

I have but a few minutes to spare tonight before it is time to put Dad to bed. So I will start with this opening post and then turn in for the evening... I probably will not be able to sleep. I will be thinking of all the things that I want to share with you. Will you understand.. truly? Maybe or maybe not. Regardless, I hope you at least find some enjoyment from reading what I have to share.

To my fellow caregivers, hang in there. You know who you are and you know what I mean. Do you have a strong support system? That is what everyone asks... well tonight that system is a glass of wine. :)

Did I mention that my husband said to me tonight.. "you are not a writer"? I guess I kept that side to myself. Dr. Dyer told me recently, when I happened to get through during a show, "don't complain and don't explain". OK, easy enough.

Well goodnight for now. Time to put Dad to bed. Sweet dreams to all.