Will you be my Witness?

It has been a long time... and so much has changed. Today I spoke to Caroline Myss - if you don't know who she is... well she is a New Age type of teacher.... I first saw her at "Celebrate Your Life" in 2007. Caroline has always scared me. To me she is the "Dr. Laura of the new age" she is pretty straight forward and can be pretty harsh. Today I felt the need to call in to her radio show... and I got through. What she did for me was amazing. She instantly just tuned into me and said that what I need is someone to witness me. Someone to witness my struggles with Dad. Someone to say "I know I can’t change it but I can listen and yes it is hard and yes it can be awful". She is right... the physical part isn’t what is hard... it is what happens in my head. It is the obsessing over the beginning of a bed sore... arguing with Dad because he won’t do what he needs to do in order to help himself.... worrying about taking care of him and still finding a way to be there for my family. Guess what people... this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! This freaking sucks!!!!! The truth is there are times I want to commit suicide... that’s right I said it... there are times when my head is just so dark that I can't even see the light in my children’s eyes. There I said it... it is out now.... and this is only the beginning. I am not going to sugar coat this journey anymore! This is hard... not everyday is terrible but this is hard and all I need to do is get it out. Will you be my witness?

It has been a long time...

Wow, it has been a long time since my last post. Just a few weeks after my last post my cousin and best friend (Leanna) died suddenly. This turned my life upside down. I think I am finally starting to get my head out of the clouds...

Dad is doing well.. as well as well can be I suppose... no better no worse.

Well I think that is all I can manage for tonight but I will get back in the swing of things soon.

Toothaches Are Bad For My Back!!!

Ok so... it has been a crazy month and I haven't written at all... we are recovering from a toothache... well, Dad had a toothache last month and that was quite a week! He was complaining that it hurt - then it swelled up and he was in excruciating pain. Since the dentist knew he couldn't treat it until the infection was gone he prescribed antibiotics and pain pills. Oh dear Lord... Dad on pain pills???? Those innocent looking little white pills took away every bit of strength he had.. and for 3 solid days taking care of Dad was like taking care of a 200 pound bean bag! Oh lawdy!!! My back... not to mention my scars from his emotional outbursts... man he is grouchy when he doesn't feel good.. typical man! I am glad it cleared up otherwise I may have had to start slipping him sugar pills!

So we were able to go to the dentist and of course the only thing left to be done was to pull them.. yep 2 of them! But Dad didn't feel like it that day. What?? Are you insane man????? Do you have any idea how painful this toothache has been????? Not to mention the "trip" to the dentist... ????

So... we left the dentist... another prescription in hand.. just in case...

Oh Dear Baby Jesus! I am hiding the candy bars! :)

The Good News Is I Will Never Be Late for Work Again!

Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. and I hit snooze until 5:45... which is not enough time for me to take care of Dad and get ready for work.... so I am always late. But the good news is I will never be late for work again! The bad news is that Dad can no longer get up by himself in the morning.

This was our old daily routine... Dad wakes up and inflates his handy dandy bed pump which puts him into an almost upright position... he lets his legs fall to the floor and then with the help of his rail and wheelchair he is able to get himself into a sitting position. Then I come in and use the lift to "bathe" and change him and get him back into bed for the day. In the evening I do the same bathing and changing routine.. and then at bedtime I manually lay him down on his side so he can go to sleep.

Bedtime has become progressively more difficult.. now I have to climb on to the bed to use my Wonder Woman strength to get him where he needs to be... and the last few mornings he was not able to sit up by himself so he called me to come in to help. I think it has been getting harder for a long time but he struggled through it - but today was the final day of the struggle. Dad called me at 5:15 because he needed help getting up. I was in a real bad spot and Husband had to come in to help me because Dad had slipped dangerously close to the edge of the bed. Without extra help Dad would have definitely hit the floor... although, then I can get him up easier with the second lift... but we really don't want to go there... I haven't mopped in a few weeks. :)

So.... he will now call me at 5:15 when he wakes up and I will go in there to put him into a sitting position and we will start our daily routine. See - we must see the positive side of this... no more rushing around like a maniac! This is also good news for my daughter... this means she will get yelled at less because I will not be a frazzled mess freaking out on her! See...yay, it works for everyone!

I think I felt this coming.... that would explain why I started crying the other day when Dad asked for a warm wash cloth to wash his face. I didn't get upset the other night when he was yelling and cussing up a storm.... but the wash cloth .. now that was a doozy! It is the weirdest thing that pushes you over the edge I guess. God bless Husband who has been putting up with my moods as they have become progressively worse. No, I am not better off dealing with this alone and no I do not want a divorce despite what I may say in the midst of a meltdown. And God bless Silvia... she comes in to help on the weekend mornings so I can sleep in. Obviously this will change... I will have to come up with a new plan.. she is such a tiny woman... I need to find a way to make this easier for both of us.. maybe a new bed with more support... a deluxe hospital bed not the cheap one the insurance company sent....... hmmm..... always thinking...

So reminder to all... the good news is.... I will never be late for work again! :)

Yoga for the caregiver

Last night was wonderful... I actually did something for myself. I made it a point to leave work by 4 - this put me home at 4:45. I did the "routine" with Dad and then headed to the YMCA for a Yoga class. We have been members for several months now but I have yet to take a class. Husband came with me and he went to the gym while I went to Yoga. It was amazing. It was one hour all about me and my body and mind. After class we grabbed a smoothie and headed home. I took a shower and put my pj's on and still had plenty of time before I had to put Dad to bed. Why haven't I done this sooner?? It was also some nice time with Husband away from the house. Not quite a date night but still real nice. The best part was when I went in to put Dad to bed and he asked "How was Yoga?" Too Cute!!!!

Today my body is a little sore.. uh yeah - who says Yoga is not a workout??? I can't wait to go back tonight!!!!! I love this feeling!

It was 90 minutes away from the house that changed my whole outlook for the night and even for today.

They say that caregivers must make it a point to take care of themselves, this is so true and as time and Dad's MS moves on I feel that more and more.

Namaste

Multiple Sclerosis causes curfews....

A side effect of Multiple Sclerosis is curfews... I am 39 years old and I have a curfew... that curfew is 8:30. I guess it is a good thing I live in a 24 hour town right? Yeah right!

Tonight we have no kids... I couldn't tell you the last time this has happened... whew hew... time to enjoy an evening out.. or not. Dad goes to bed at 8:30 and that means I am here with him helping him "go to bed". It's not physically hard... and I wouldn't change it but the truth is that sometimes it is emotionally hard and sometimes it brings me to tears. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who is here by my side... we fit in a dinner out then come home so I can put Dad to bed. My oldest daughter has learned the routine but if she has plans I won't ask, she is a teenager for goodness sake and she deserves to enjoy her teen years!!! But... tonight she is at work.... did I mention my wonderful husband who just goes along with the routine? I love you husband!

Well... time for a glass of wine and a movie... thank you technology and pay-per-view!!!!

When it just doesn't feel right...

Don't you hate it it when something just doesn't feel right? Especially when everything else is indeed right.. and you have no issues.. but you just change one minor element and suddenly things aren't so right anymore... and you hate to think that way about a situation or a person but you know deep down that it has the potential to go very wrong.... and you don't want to give up on all the other parts - the good parts.. but you know you have to watch one certain part so closely..... because it just doesn't feel right.....