Tuesday, April 10, 2012
It has been a long time... and so much has changed. Today I spoke to Caroline Myss - if you don't know who she is... well she is a New Age type of teacher.... I first saw her at "Celebrate Your Life" in 2007. Caroline has always scared me. To me she is the "Dr. Laura of the new age" she is pretty straight forward and can be pretty harsh. Today I felt the need to call in to her radio show... and I got through. What she did for me was amazing. She instantly just tuned into me and said that what I need is someone to witness me. Someone to witness my struggles with Dad. Someone to say "I know I can’t change it but I can listen and yes it is hard and yes it can be awful". She is right... the physical part isn’t what is hard... it is what happens in my head. It is the obsessing over the beginning of a bed sore... arguing with Dad because he won’t do what he needs to do in order to help himself.... worrying about taking care of him and still finding a way to be there for my family. Guess what people... this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! This freaking sucks!!!!! The truth is there are times I want to commit suicide... that’s right I said it... there are times when my head is just so dark that I can't even see the light in my children’s eyes. There I said it... it is out now.... and this is only the beginning. I am not going to sugar coat this journey anymore! This is hard... not everyday is terrible but this is hard and all I need to do is get it out. Will you be my witness?